Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Lithium for God... hehe ... I'm going to that "special Hell", aren't I?

SCI FICTION: Periodic Table

I have no idea how I found this, but I've been reading it for a few days, and it's very interesting. Almost all of the elements have been used, so if you started reading now, you'd probably be able to read all of them. They're very short stories, and if you're a sci-fi/fantasy buff, you'll appreciate them. Here's an example, I hope you find them as funny as I do:


Lithium for God
God sits weeping in the corner. His seraphim gently try to coax Him (God can't be made do anything He doesn't want to do, so He has to be coaxed) into taking His lithium. He requires five gigatons a day, just to function.

The Big Guy's bipolar disorder is the worst-kept secret in existence. Everyone knows how in a fit of mania he created the Heavens and the Earth in only six days. Everyone knows how, in depressive mode, he fell into such a slough of despond that he let that cretinous little toady, Morningstar, torment Job, who was the most faithful of His servants.

The problem is, God just won't admit He has a problem. He blames it all on Adam, for the apple, or on Eve, for tempting Adam. He blames it on Herod, on Hitler, on the Trilateral Commission, on anything but Himself.

"Open wide," sing the Seraphim, cheered on by all the Heavenly ranks and powers. "Take your nice medicine."

God buries His face in His hands. "Such children I have," he weeps. "Oy gevalt, what did I do to deserve such a family?"

"Why don't you try a little smiting?" the seraphim urge. "Wouldn't that be nice? Bangkok! It's the sexually transmitted disease capital of the world. It would be a great way of getting the Word out."

But God doesn't listen.

Meanwhile, the Kid comes slouching into Heaven (He's having a difficult adolescence), holds up His pierced hands, and says, "Look what they did to me down there! I am, like, so bummed out."

The Archangel Michael casts a jaundiced look his way. "So's your old man," he sneers.

The End


I guess I missed a little bit of action here last night. At some point, people that were leaving the port were turned around because of a report of shots fired (3-5 round burst). There was an investigation, but never found the source. It's suspected that it was just an over-eager soldier (US or Kuwaiti) discharging his weapon. Brilliant, considering the amount of storage of volatile cargo and chemicals around here. I would imagine a few well placed rounds in the wrong place would make things rather unpleasant for a bit.


OH!!! I almost forgot!!! Shelley called me around 4:30pm her time (1:30am mine), but I slept right through it... She had just heard the tadpoles' heartbeat! It was 140bpm, which is average (120 - 160 is expected). I wish I would have been awake to hear the excitement in her voice! When I called her back this morning, she was half-asleep... Her next appointment is 9/29, so hopefully we'll have another "baby" picture up here soon!

Love to all!

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